


#The Hargreeves Family Shenanigans

by just_a_sunflower_girl



Series: Adventures In Childhood [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: And then this happened, Crack Treated Seriously, Social Media AU, and we started making jokes about it, i apologise in advance, it doesn't offer anything to the series, it was just fun to write, this is self indulgent garbage, this isn't serious in anyway, this was spawned when I was messaging my friends about Childs Play
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-01-23 08:04:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18545677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_a_sunflower_girl/pseuds/just_a_sunflower_girl
Summary: the public view of The Hargreeves Family antics during my adventures in childhood series





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> @ the goblins who helped me create this, fuck you I hope you're happy now

[image: Five, Vanya and Allison on the couch. All smiling but Five]

[image2: Five and Allison. Five is scowling at the camera. Vanya’s hand can be seen in the background]

 **AllisonHargreeves_Official ✓** Having so much fun with my favourite sister and nephew ♥

 

 **Neonquov** aww! What a cutie!

 **Alligreeves** i didn’t know you had a nephew! He’s adorable!

 **ChirpChirpBitch** @ Jake Gyllenhaal, you are not the father

_5564 more comments_

 

* * *

 

**Allison Hargreeves Nephew Takes Internet By Storm**

_BY Ophelia-Mae_

_ArticleBuggy_

 

Earlier this week, hollywood's golden girl Allison Hargreeves was spotted in her home city with a young boy. Rumours were quick to fly, the world still reeling from her divorce from fellow movie star Patrick Braeden last year, many speculated that the boy was the result of an affair which led to her divorce.

 

However, these rumours were stamped out quickly when Hargreeves posted an image of the mystery child, along with her sister Vanya Hargreeves with the caption _“Having so much fun with my favourite sister and nephew ♥”_ on her personal instagram.

 

The little boy looks none too amused to be posing for the pictures, staring at the camera with an obvious distaste. The internet was quick to fall in love, though Hargreeves has not shared anymore information on her nephew, not even his name, he now as his own little fan club.

 

ArticleBuggy was able to get in contact with Hargreeves. In a brief interview she said

 

_“At the time he was born, Vanya and I weren’t on the best terms and once we reconnected she [Vanya] wanted to keep him out of the spotlight as much as possible”_

 

Hargreeves has recently taken a sabbatical, after the death of her father Reginald Hargreeves, in order to reconnect with her family and she requests we respect both her and her siblings privacy until a time when they are willing to come forward and share.  


* * *

 

 **Allison-Hargreeves-Smile** so,,, we know that Allison is not the mother,, however,, is there a chance, a slight possibility, even just an inkling, that Vanya got it on with Jake Gyllenhaal and produced a child?

 _#Allison Hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves Nephew #does he have a name? #Vanya Hargreeves #The Hargreeves Family_ #Jake Gyllenhaal

_42 Likes 38 Reblogs_

 

 **LadyWisdom** now that at least 2 of the Hargreeves are confirmed to have kids does that mean we’re getting a next gen umbrella academy?

 **Gallance** as dope as that would be Nephew is only what? Three? Four? and Claire is only like seven. Plus there just aren’t that many super villains running around any more

_#the umbrella academy #Vanya Hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves #The Rumour #Claire Braeden #Allison Hargreeves Nephew_

_346 Likes 112 Reblogs_

 

 **Darthructer** i am so pumped for a possible umbrella academy reunion. They seem like they know how to party.

 **Sakidspand** i remember watching some of their old interviews when i was a kid. They definitely know how to party

_#the umbrella academy_

_72 Likes 6 Reblogs_

 

 **Bouvant** i’m going to be honest, i forgot the umbrella academy existed until like a month ago when their dad kicked it but i’ve been looking at all their old interviews and merch and stuff since for the nostalgia and I am here for whatever shenanigans these legends are going to have

_#i have popcorn ready #i read Vanya’s book #this family is a shitshow #i’m excited to see all the drama go down #the umbrella academy_

 

 **WeStanStanley** ok,, i know everyone is super excited about the adorable small child and trust me i am too but like. Vanya Hargreeves, is she single because i would let her step on me

_#is she a lesbian harold? #i need to know for research purposes #Allison Hargeeves #Vanya Hargreeves #The Umbrella Academy #i guess_

 

 **TheUmbrellaBitch** Look, I know everyone is excited for Hargreeves Family content but can we please respect Vanya’s wishes to keep her kid out of the spotlight? I mean he is still really young and his mom clearly doesn’t want that kind of attention on him

_#Allison Hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves Nephew #Vanya Hargreeves #The Umbrella Academy_

 

 **Allysin-Hargraves** i hope all those assholes who have spent the past few days disrespecting Allison because of a dumb rumour feel real stupid right now

_#Allison Hargreeves #discourse #Allison Hargreeves Nephew_

_897 Likes 456 Reblogs_

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Dom The Bomb**

_**@DominicRands** _

guys,,, holy shit. Fuking the umbrella academy just came into the pizzeria jesus christ,,

_87 Retweets 165 Likes_

 

**Dom The Bomb**

_**@DominicRands** _

I’m their waiter, oh no.

 

**Dom The Bomb**

_**@DominicRands** _

i just took their drink orders and #Nephew asked for Vodka?? A Tiny Legend

**Dom The Bomb**

_**@DominicRands** _

He’s like four and he just deadass asks me for vodka when i ask him what he wants to drink. No one seems surprised. Does he do this often?

 

**Nikki**

**_@RickiDicki &Dawn_ **@DominicRands

Did you give it to him??

**Dom The Bomb**

**_@DominicRands_  **@RickieDicki&Dawn

Nikki he’s a toddler,, no i did not

 


	3. Chapter 3

**WeStanStanley** Guys holy shit,,,, my day has been made,,, Alli Hargreeves and i think it’s Klaus just pulled up beside me blasting backstreet boy and they’ve got nephew in the back seat,,,, he looks adorably murderous

**WeStanStanley** [Video: Allison and Possibly Klaus in the front seat of a car, screaming the lyrics to i want it that way loud enough to be heard through the closed window. Camera pans to the back window, nephew is staring out the window and directly at the camera with dead eyes. He mouths ‘fuck off’] 

For the people who don’t believe me, i got receipts boo 

**LadyWisdom** this is so pure?? The Hargreeves family content i signed up for

**Allysin-Hargraves** [gif:  _ i am so used to giving and now i get to recieve _ ]

_ 1,387 likes 1,164 Reblogs _   
  


**TheUmbrellaBitch** lmao Nephew mouthing fuck off is legend behaviour

**FuckFaceMcAssholeMan** It’s not “legend behaviour” for a little kid to be blatantly disrespectful like that. Has his mother not taught him any manners? It’s just a sign of shitty parenting in my opinion

**TheUmbrellaBitch** i take it as a 19 year old father of 0, you’re qualified to talk about respectable parenting choices right Kevin?

_ 1,387 likes 1,164 Reblogs _

 

* * *

 

**June Blair**

**@JunebugBlair**

So @AllisonHargreeves_official’s sister is in my orchestra group and turns out #Nephews name is Five. honestly i’ve heard worse.

 

* * *

  
  


**#Nephews name is revealed**

BY Karen Stocks

PageTurner

 

If you’ve been following recent celebrity gossip, you’ll know that the existence of Allison Hargreeves nephew has recently come to light. 

 

Not a lot of information was shared on the adorable little tyke, not even his name, due to his mother Vanya Hargreeves reluctance to have him in the spotlight. The internet started the tag #Allison Hargreeves Nephew which soon was shortened just to #Nephew, the 4-year-old taking the world by storm and sparking hope for a possible umbrella academy reunion. 

 

Earlier this morning, June Blair, an acquaintance of Vanya Hargreeves tweeted 

 

_ “So @AllisonHargreeves_official’s sister is in my orchestra group and turns out #Nephews name is Five. honestly i’ve heard worse.” _

 

Whether this name is fact or fiction has yet to be confirmed but, with modern day naming trends churning out gems like Olyviya, Paizleigh and Laklynn, who’s to judge something as simple as Five?

 

* * *

 

**Certingal** Vanya,,, Sweetie,, i love you but why the  _ fuck _ would you name your child after a number? You were supposed to be the Hargreeves that had common sense

_ #Vanya why #i trusted you to have at least one brain cell #Vanya Hargreeves #Allison Hargreeves Nephew #Five Hargreeves _

_ 456 Likes 323 Reblogs _

 

**RainbowWater** next we’ll meet Five’s cousins Cinco and Go

_ #please think i’m funny #the only thing i remember from my japanese class is how to count #this was the perfect opportunity to use that information #Allison Hargreeves Nephew #Five Hargreeves _

_ 56 Likes 7 Reblogs _

  
  


**PoetStrong** ok, Five arguably a weird name but didn’t Reginald number them?? Do you think maybe Vanya just thinks numbers are perfectly acceptable names since technically hers is Seven and her siblings are One through Six??

**TheUmbrellaBitch** didn’t Number Five the original go missing when the academy was like 13? In Vanya’s book it said they were really close before he left and that he was gone before they were named. Maybe she named her kid after her missing brother

**WeStanStanley** well, now i’m sad 

_ 3,456 Likes 3,234 Reblogs _

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**_New to Instagram:_ ** V_anya, followed by AllisonHargreeves_Official

 

* * *

 

 

[image: blurry picture of Five and Horse on the couch watching a movie, Klaus is flipping off the camera over Fives head]

_Tagged: your.friendly.neighbourhood.medium_

**V_anya** He ruined my picture

 **Your.friendly.neighbourhood.medium** I made it better

_5763 more comments_

 

* * *

 

 **WeStanStanley** GUYS VANYA HAS INSTAGRAM NOW

 **Certingal** her first picture is of Five and a cat,, I love

 **WeStanStanley** ikr what an icon

_3,245 Likes 3,012 Reblogs_

 

 **TheUmbrellaBitch** me @ anyone who tries to harass Vanya and her child now that she has social media [image: that duck toy with a knife, you know the one]

_3,235 Likes 2,623 Reblogs_

 

 **Allysin-Hargraves** g,guys do you think she has a tumblr?

 **V-anya** I do

 **Allysin-Hargreaves** HOLY SHIT!!!

_4,023 Likes 3,896 Reblogs_

 

 **WeStanStanley** ok,, i know everyone is super excited about the adorable small child and trust me i am too but like. Vanya Hargreeves, is she single because i would let her step on me

 **V_anya** thank you for the compliment but stepping on people is rude

 **WeStanStanely** [the Beyoncé meme, edited to have Vanya as the caption]

_4,523 Likes 4,362 Reblogs_

 

* * *

 

**The New Five Hargreeves**

BY Matthew Ryde

The Conspirator

 

Recently, it came to light that Vanya Hargreeves has a four-year-old son. Even more recently, it came to light that this son was named Five, which is an odd choice indeed but as has been said, modern day naming trends can leave much to be desired.

 

However, here at the conspirator, we don’t believe that little Five Hargreeves name is simply an aesthetic choice on Vanya’s part. Since the big reveal of his name, many theories have come to light about why he was named that.

 

The simplest being that he is named after Vanya’s deceased brother, Number Five Hargreeves AKA The Boy, who went missing over 17 years ago. This theory is not only plausible but completely heartbreaking, which is why we’re going to focus on one of the more outlandish theories that have been put out there.

 

My personal favourite being that the new Five Hargreeves is a clone of the original.

It is a well known fact that Reginald Hargreeves was not the most ethically inclined scientist, if his supernatural child soldiers are anything to go by, which is why I firmly believe that there is absolutely no question that if given the opportunity he would attempt cloning moral dilemmas be damned. I mean, new five even looks kind of like old Five.

[image: side by side of the picture from Allisons instagram and an old newspaper photo of Five]

 

Though this theory is definitely out there, I’d have to say that the most outlandish and unlikely that I’ve heard was that this new Five Hargreeves and The Boy are one in the same. The theory states that when The Boy attempted time travel, he screwed up somehow and landed himself in the future as a toddler. Talk about stretching it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed reading this self indulgent garbage because it will most definitely continue. it's a good way for me to step away from my ongoing story while keeping in the universe and I did enjoy writing it.


End file.
